35j5' 




GIDDY 



OLIVER HERFORD 





^^liverTjferford, inv. 




KarlZMoseley, del^ 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 
OLIVER HERFORD 



THIS 

GIDDY GLOBE 



BY 

PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G. 

FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE 
EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY 

OLIVER HERFORD, V. D. W. A. 

["Very delightful wit and artist." 

— Woodrow Wilson] 




NEW YORK 
GEORGE H, DORAN COMPANY 









COPYRIGHT, 1919, 
BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 



fEC 19(919 



PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 



©C(.A56104f> 



^r^y\^ \ 



5r 



TO 

' PRESIDENT WILSON 

[With all his faults he quotes me still. 



PREFACE 



[The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns 
only ourselves and the Reader, has been removed to 
another part of the book.] 

[vii] 



The Author makes due Acknowledgment 
to Charles Scribner's Sons for the use of 
certain verses, and to Miss CeciHa Loftus 
for her series of Perfect Day Pictures 



CONTENTS 
PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE 

CHAPTER PAGE 

I The Creation 15 

Preface 19 

II A Long Jump 20 

III The Giddy Globe 23 

IV The Use of the Globe ... 25 
V The Equator 28 

VI The Earth's Crust 30 

VII The Temperature of the Globe 32 

VIII The Age of the Globe ... 35 

IX The Face of the Globe ... 38 

X Climate and Weather .... 44 

XI Land and Water 47 

XII The Discovery of the World . 51 

XIII The Habitable Globe .... 52 

XIV The Tenants 54 

XV Race 56 

XVI Governments of the Globe . . 58 

XVII The Morals of the Giddy Globe 61 

PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH 

XVIII The Poles 65 

XIX America 70 

XX Boston 75 

[xi] 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER PAGfi 

XXI The United States 78 

XXII Canada 83 

XXI I « Great Britain ...... 86 

XXIV Scotland 90 

XXV Ireland 92 

XXVI Wales 96 

PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES 

XXVII South America loi 

XXVIII Holland 103 

XXIX Belgium ic6 

XXX France 109 

XXXI Germany iii 

XXXII Switzerland 112 

XXXIII Monaco 113 

XXXIV Turkey 114 

XXXV Russia 117 

XXXVI Norway and Sweden .... 119 

XXXVII Africa 122 

XXXVIII Arabia 126 

XXXIX Australia 129 

XL China 131 

XLI Japan 133 

XLII Egypt, India, Italy, Spain, 

Greece, Etc 134 

Epilogue 136 

Appendix 137 

[xii] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 



PART I 
WHY IS THE GLOBE? 

CHAPTER I 

THE CREATION 

Six busy days it took in all 
To make a World and plan its fall, 
The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good 
And rested, should you think he could? 
Knowing what the result would be 
There would have been no rest for me! 
Claire Beecher Kummer, 

IT takes much longer to write a Geography 
than, according to Moses, it took to create 
the World which it is the Geographer's busi- 
ness to describe; and since the Critic has been 
added to the list of created beings, it is no 
longer the fashion for the Author to pass judg- 
ment on his own work. 

[15] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

Let us imagine, however, that concealed in 
the cargo of Hypothetic Nebula destined for 
the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a 
Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being 
in the shape of a Critic just as the work of 
Creation was finished. 

Would it not be interesting to speculate 
upon that Critic's reception of the freshly 
made World? 

We may be sure that he would have found 
many things not to his liking; technical de- 
fects such as the treatment of grass and foliage 
in green instead of the proper purple; the tint- 
ing of the sky which any landscape painter 
will tell you would be more decorative done 
in turquoise green than cobalt blue. 

Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, 
who (to impress Mrs. Butterfly) stamped his 
tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's 
Temple, our Critic might have declared the 
World ^'Too flimsy in construction." He 
would certainly have found fault with the 
Solar System and the Plumbing — the absence 
of heat in Winter when there is the greater 
need of it and the paucity of moisture in the 
desert places where it never rains. 

The comicality of the Ape family might 
[i6] 



THE CREATION 



THE FIRST CALENDAR 
Tlie Geation oi'Heaveii Sc Earth in Six ^es Gcrt: i 




The Year I 



"1 St Sunday 
1 St Monday 
Xst Tuesday 


"t St Wednesday 
1 St Thursday 
Xst Friday 



[17] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

have provoked a reluctant smile, but much 
more likely a lecture on the impropriety of 
descending to caricature in a serious work. 

At best, our Critic would have pronounced 
the freshly made World the work of a be- 
ginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed 
promise" and "might go far," and if he wished 
to be very impressive indeed, he would pre- 
tend that he had penetrated the veil of Anony- 
mity and hint darkly that he detected evident 
traces of a Feminine Touch! 

In that, however, our Critic would only 
have been anticipating, for is there not at 
this very moment on the press a Suffrage edi- 
tion (for women only) of the Rubaiyat, in 
which one verse is amended to read thus — 

The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos, 
But right or left, as strikes the Player goes, 
And SHE who tossed it down into the field, 
SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE 
knows/ 



[i8] 



PREFACE 
STRICTLY PRIVATE 

For the Reader Only 

Dear Reader : 

This is for you, and you only. We have 
concealed it between chapters one and two so 
that it will not meet any eye but yours. 

We have a confession to make — it would be 
useless to attempt concealment — we have the 
Digression habit. 

We have tried every known remedy but we 
fear it is incurable. 

All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we 
stray too far you will favour us with a gentle 
reminder. 



[191 



CHAPTER II 

A LONG JUMP 




IT is a long jump from Moses, the author of 
the first work on Geography, to Peter 
Simple. 

When the acrobatic reader has fetched his 
breath and looks back at the fearsome list of 
Geographers he has skipped — Strabo, Anaxi- 
mander, Hecatoeus, Demoeritus, Eudoxus, 
Ephorus, Dicoearchus, Erastothenes, Poly- 
bins, Posidonius and Charles F. King, — he 
may well be thankful to find he has fallen 
upon his feet. 

[20] 



A LONG JUMP 

The Geographer's task is endless. 

The Planet he endeavours to portray is per- 
petually changing its appearance. After thou- 
sands and thousands of years, it is no nearer 
completion than it was in the beginning. 




The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges 
of the continents into new shapes, as a child 
bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file 
away the mountains into valleys and plains. 
Beneath the ocean busy insects are building 

[21] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

the foundations of new continents and, under 
the earth, Fiery Demons are ready at all times 
to burst forth and help to destroy the old ones. 

It really begins to look as if this Planet 
would never be finished. 

In the first chapter of his geography, Moses 
tells us there were only two people in the 
world. 

Today we are preparing to put up the 
"standing room only" notice. In another 
thousand years, for aught we know, the earth 
may be going round dark and tenantless and 
bearing the sign "To Let." What does it mat- 
ter to us? What are we but microscopic 
weevils in the mouldy crust of earth? Suffi- 
cient unto the day is the weevil thereof. 



f22] 



CHAPTER III 

THE GIDDY GLOBE 

MEN of Science, who delight in apply- 
ing harsh terms to things that cannot 
talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an 
Oblate Spheroid. 

Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shake- 
spere, an Oyster; Rossetti, a Midge; and W. 
S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball — 

Roll on, thou ball, roll on! 
Through pathless realms of Space 

Roll on! 
What though Fm in a sorry case? 
What though I cannot meet my bills? 
What though I suffer toothache^s ills? 
What though I swallow countless pills? 

Never you mind 

Roll on! 

{It rolls on.) 

But these people belong to a privileged 
class that is encouraged (even paid) to distort 

[23] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

the language, and they must not be taken too 
literally. 

The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not 
to say obese. 

Her waist measurement is no less than 
twenty-five thousand miles. In the hope of 
reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and 
violent exercise, but though she spins round 
on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an 
hour every day, and round the sun once a 
year, she does not succeed in taking oflf a 
single mile or keeping even comfortably warm 
all over. 

No wonder the globe is giddy! 

QUESTIONS 

Explain the Nebular Hypothesis. 

State briefly the electromagnetical constitu- 
ents of the Aurora Borealis, and explain 
their relation to the Hertzian Waves, 

Define the difference between the Hertzian 
Wave and the Marcel Wave. 



[24] 



CHAPTER IV 

THE USE OF THE GLOBE 

WHAT is the Earth for? Nobody knows. 
Some say the Earth was made to sup- 
ply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and 




The Friendly Cow. 

From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker. 
Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten 
by the author before the photograph could be taken. 



parcel of the Earth herself, dust of her dust, 
mould of her mould, it does not answer the 
question. 
To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco 

[25] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

Plant, and many other things that we classify 
among the needs of Man, including the 
'Triendly Cow'' — 

She walks among the flowers sweet 
And chews and chews and chews, 

And turns them into friendly meat, 
And pleasant boots and shoes. 

But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret 
heart regard the classification as anything but 
friendly. For all we know, in the hidden 
scheme of Creation, the Cow may herself be 
the subject for ultimate evolution into the Per- 
fect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), de- 
scending through the Ape to ever lower 
planes, only a discarded experiment. 

And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of 
time there may be no Tobacco Plant. 

Should the American People be again 
tempted to wage a World War for Freedom, 
they may find on their return that the Tobac- 
co Plants have gone to join the Grape Vines 
of California! 

Our only hope will then be that smoking is 
permitted in Hea * 

* The Author is digressing. 
The Reader, 

[26] 



THE USE OF THE GLOBE 

QUESTIONS 

What is ''Friendship''? 

Why is the Cow ''friendly''? 

Is the Oyster friendly? 

When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will 

cigars containing less than one-half of one 

per cent tobacco be permitted? 



[271 



CHAPTER V 

THE EQUATOR 




THE Earth is self-centred. Poised on an 
imaginary toe, she pirouettes round her 
self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand 
miles an hour. 

We say imaginary toe because the Earth, 
owing to the enormous size of her waist, has 
never been able to see it. 

To anyone with a waist measurement of 
twenty-five thousand miles the very existence 
of toes is purely problematical. 

To wear an actual belt round a waist of such 
dimensions would be impossible even if it 
[28] 



THE EQUATOR 

could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the 
Earth wears round her middle an imaginary 
line called the Equator. 

To give this imaginary belt some excuse for 
existence we have depicted the Earth in an 
imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any 
way hampering her movements complies with 
the strict regulations pertaining to feminine 
attire. 

Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally 
an exaggerated sense of self-esteem. 

Other Spheres of equal or greater impor- 
tance are referred to as ''Luminaries" and 
supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of 
furnishing light when the Sun and Moon are 
otherwise engaged. 

Oh would some Power the 
giftie gie her 

To see, as other Planets 
see her! 

QUESTIONS 

Can an imaginary line be said to exist? 
If not, why does it need an excuse for exist- 
ence? 

[29] 



CHAPTER VI 

THE earth's crust 

MATTER-of-fact Geologists speak of 
the Earth's Crust as if there were only 
one Crust. 

Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who 
can read between imaginary lines, know that 
there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper 
Crust and the Under Crust. 

The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on 
the top and is rich and agreeable and much 
sought after. 

The Under Crust is'soggy and disagreeable. 
The only apparent reason for its existence is 
to hold up the Upper Crust. 

To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett 
Burgess — 

The Upper Crust is light as snow 

And gay with sugar-rime; 
The Under Crust must stay below, 
It has a horrid time. 

When in the course of time the Upper Crust 
becomes too rich and heavy for the popular 
[30] 



THE EARTH'S CRUST 

taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under 
Crust becomes the Upper Crust. 

These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie 
are called Revolutions. 

You would think that a Revolving Pie 
would be a disturbing thing to have in one's 
system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to 
mind it in the least. 

Balanced on an imaginary toe, she contin- 
ues to pirouette at the rate of a thousand miles 
an hour, just as if nothing were the matter. 

The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is 
after a Russian recipe. 

The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at 
all and is declared by the leading Chefs of 
Europe to be unfit for human consumption, 
but the proof of the Pie is in the eating, how 
would you like to try just a * 

* Take it away, or we won't 
read another word! 

The Reader. 

Oh, very well! We never did care much 
for pie anyway, not even for breakfast. 




[31] 



CHAPTER VII 



THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE 




IN spite of incessant and violent exercise, 
the Giddy Globe (as we have remarked 
before) is unable to keep comfortably warm 
all over. 

Her Temperature varies from intense cold 
at her upper and lower extremities to fever 
heat in the region of her equatorial dia- 
phragm. 
[32] 



THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE 

Ancient Geographers indicated these varia- 
tions of temperature by means of Zones. 

The Term Zone is derived from the Greek 
word ^uivr\ a Belt or Girdle, and a Girdle 
in the days of the First Geography Book was 
the principal (if not the only) garment of a 
well dressed person. 

Today, however, the Girdle is no longer 
accepted as a complete costume. 

No modern Costumer would countenance 
such a "model," it would be too easy to copy 
and consequently unprofitable. 

Even the "Knee-plus-ultra" of Newport or 
Palm Beach Society would hesitate to pose 
for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in 
a one-piece Bathing Girdle. 

You might explore the World of Dress. 
from the Land of the Midnight Follies to the 
Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and 
find nothing exactly like it. 

It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never 
be fashionable until — 

The two extremes of decollete 

Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach 

Here meet in a bewildering way 
And mingle all the charms of each, 

[33] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography 
Book, should we depict the Giddy Globe in 
an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones? 

In striving to answer the question, we have 
hit upon a pleasing compromise. 




At least it is up-to-date. 
A. and E. are the two extremities of the 
Giddy Globe, which are quite bare. 
They correspond to the Frigid Zones. 

C. is the Corset, which being hot and un- 
comfortable corresponds to the Torrid. 

D. is — that is to say are— 



* 



■•* Pardon us for interrupting — 
but we thought this was to be 
a geography book. 

The Reader. 



[34] 



CHAPTER VIII 



THE AGE OF THE GLOBE 




The New World 



The Old World 



SOME people are sensitive about their 
ages. The Giddy Globe has never told 
us hers. 

Rude men of science, after careful exam- 
ination, declare she can't be a day under five 
billion years old. 

Theologians, ever tactful in feminine mat- 
ters, set her down as a shrinking young thing 
of barely four thousand summers. 

[35] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulg- 
ing turn rather than with the bulging fore- 
head; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat 
man of science! 

Happy the man with the bulging Turn, 
Who smiles and smiles and is never glum! — 
But alas for the man with the bulging brow, 
If he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how! 

If the Giddy Globe asked us to guess her 
age, we should say, without a moment's hesita- 
tion, 'Whatever it is you certainly don't look 
it!" 

Astronomers may say what they like, a 
Planet is as old as it looks, especially if it is a 
Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she 
didn't look a June day over sixteen! and, not 
having a bulging forehead, we told her so! 

Astronomers think themselves so wise, but 
what do they know about the sex of the 
Planets? 

With the exception of Mother Earth and 
old Sol Phoebus, — nothing! 

If you asked an Astronomer whether the 
Pleiad girls were really the daughters of 
Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight 
[36] 



THE AGE OF THE GLOBE 

Moons (if they were Moons), he would think 
you were trifling with him. 

But is it not possible that the old Greek 
tales were the garbled gossip of an age-for- 
gotten science of which we have only the 
A.B.C.? 

If it is Love that makes the world go round 
(and who can prove that it isn't?) , what makes 
the other Planets go round? 

How about the movements of the Heavei 
ly Bodies? 

How about * 

*This is all very interesting, 
but don't you think perhaps 

it is 

T/ie Reader. 

Quite right! Quite right! how we do run 
on! 




[37] 



CHAPTER IX 

THE FACE OF THE GLOBE 

THERE are no good photographs of the 
Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit. 

Imagine attempting to photograph an obese 
and flighty Spheroid who spends her time 
pirouetting round in a circle with all her 
might and main. 

Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that 
the Earth spins, and not merely to reduce her 
girth as we hinted elsewhere. 

In these days such a strenuous evasion of 
publicity U suspicious. 

Where does she come from? 

Where is she going? 

She refuses to answer, she will not even 
state her business or tell her real name. 

For aeons (quite a number of aeons) this 
Giddy one has been going round under va- 
rious male and female aliases such as — Cos- 
mos, Mother Earth, The World, Mrs, 



THE FACE OF THE GLOBE 

Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe. 
If you look up her record you will find the 
following press notices — 

"The Earth's a thief." 

Timon of Athens. 
"Earth's bitter." 

Wordsworth. 
"This distracted Globe." 

Hamlet. 
"This tough World." 

King Lear. 
"Naughty World." 

Merchant of Venice. 
"This World is given to Lying." 

Henry IV. 
"The World is too much with us." 

Wordsworth. 
"The World is grown so bad." 

Richard III. 
"The narrow World." 

Julius Caesar. 
"The World is not thy friend." 

Romeo and Juliet. 
"The World's a bubble." 

Bacon. 
"This World is all a fleeting show." 

Moore. 

[39] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

*'The World was not worthy." 

St. Paul. 
^The World's a tragedy." 

Horace Walpole. 
"This bleak World." 

Moore. 
"The weary weight of all this unin- 
telligible World." 

Wordsworth. 
"A World of vile ill-favoured faults." 

Merry Wives of Windsor. 
"Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me 
all the uses of this World." 

Hamlet. 
"This dim spot that men call Earth." 

Milton. 
"The wicked World." 

. W. S. Gilbert. 

It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read 
the above clippings and, realizing that she 
has been discovered, spins round with all her 
might to avoid being photographed for the 
Rogues' Gallery of the Universe. 

Appearances are certainly against her. 
• ••••» 

[40] 



THE FACE OF THE GLOBE 

When I am moved to contemplate 
The rude and unregenerate state 
Of that rampageous reprobate 

The World at large^ 
And as I mark its stony phiz 
And see it whoop and whirl and whiz, 
I can but cry — O Lord, why is 

The World at large? 



t4i] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 




II 
li 



A Perfect Day in London 



! 



[42] 



CLIMATE AND WEATHER 




A Perfect Day in Chicacx) 



[43] 



CHAPTER X 

CLIMATE AND WEATHER 

CLIMATE is a Theory. Weather is a 
condition. 
Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Cli- 
mate is a Hypothesis and Weather is a Reduc- 
tio ad Absurdum. This explains why it invar- 
iably snows for the first time in years when- 
ever one goes to California. 

What is the Weather for? 
Everything in Nature is de- 
signed to contribute to the needs 
or pleasures of Mankind. 
From the tree of the forest we 
get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, 
the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball 
and the pulp for our newspaper, which, in 
turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of 
our soldiers' boots. 

From the sands of the sea we make sugar 
for sweetening our coffee — that mysterious 
[44] 




CLIMATE AND WEATHER 

beverage, the secret of whose manufacture ha3 
never been revealed. 

From the cotton plant comes the woolen 
under-garment and the soldier's blanket. 

From the lowly cabbage springs the Ha- 
vana Perfecto, with its gold and crimson band, 
and from the simple turnip is distilled the 
golden champagne, without which so many 
lives will now be empty. 

Even the humble straw has its uses — to in- 
dicate the trend of the air current and for the 
stuffing of the life-preserver. 

What then is the use of the Weather? 

Supposing you have made a globe and put 
some people upon it to live. What would you 
do to make them feel at home? 

You would give them something to talk 
about. 

Just so — the Weather was designed to fur- 
nish a universal topic of conversation for 
Man. 

Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,- 
000 conversations would die in their infancy. 

In the first geography book we learn from 
Moses how and of what the Weather was 
made. 

Since then, nothing has been so much talked 

[45] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

about as the Weather, and in nothing has so 
little advance been made. 

QUESTIONS 

Is it notoriety that makes the W eather-V ane? 

Where does the Winter -Resort in Summer? 
And why? 

How many litres of champagne can be ex- 
tracted from the cube-root of one turnip? 

What did the Weather do to get herself so 
talked about? 



[46] 



CHAPTER XI 



LAND AND WATER 




Steamship Battling with the Marcel Waves 

THE terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted 
in blue, pink, yellow and green. 
The blue portion is called Water and is 
inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lob- 
sters and turtles, besides delightful schools of 
fishes and whales. 

The pink, yellow and green portions are 
called Land and are alive with human beings 
and other animals and vegetables. 

[47] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 
Besides the animals and vegetables there are 

i 




The College Yell of a School of Whales 

mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and 
lakes. 

In former times mountains were used as 
protective barriers. Today they serve as mon- 




The Presidential Range 

Showing comparative height of principal peaks. — Reading 
irom left to right: Mt. Washington — Jefferson — Lincoln — Cleve- 
land — ^Roosevelt — Wilson. 

Note: — At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud 
drifted over the last two peaks. — Until the cloud passes it will 
be impossible to ascertain their altitudes. 

uments to Public Men for whom they are 
named {See Presidential Range) ^ and country 
seats for retired Grocers and Fishmongers. 

Rivers are the most curious and interesting 
form of Water, 
[48] 



LAND AND WATER 

Though seldom as shallow, they are as 
lengthy and involved as Congressional speech- 
es, and have to be curled into the most ludi- 




A River Bed 

crous shapes to get them into the countries 
where they belong. 

The first thing a river does after rising is 
to betake itself as fast as it can to the nearest 
River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of 
its days. 

The largest river in the world is the Am- 
azon, named after the single-breasted suffra- 
gette of ancient times. 

QUESTIONS 

How many rivers can get into one river-bed? 
Why is a Congressman? 

[49] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 




Noah Sighting Ararat 

When Noah saw the flood subside, 
"The world is going dry!" he cried, 
"So let us all, without delay. 
Fill up against a drouthy day." 



[50] 



CHAPTER XII 



THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD 



IN the first geography we are told of a 
young married couple who were cast into 
the world for a pomological error on their 
part, about 4000 B.C. 

Some seventeen centuries 
later, the world was lost sight 
of in a deluge. 

It was re-discovered by a 
navigator named Noah who, 
though barely six hundred 
years old, was the commander 
of a sea-going menagerie. 

Commander Noah, after 
cruising about for twelve 
months and ten days, landed 
from his zoological water-wagon upon a pre- 
cipitous Asiatic Jag called Ararat on the 
twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C. 




Noah 



[51] 



CHAPTER XIII 

THE HABITABLE GLOBE 

THE term "Habitable Globe'' was doubt- 
less invented by some Celestial Hu- 
morist who had never visited this planet. 

People live on it, to be sure, but they have 
no choice. There is nowhere else to live. 
The Giddy Globe . . .* 

* Isn't it about time to drop this 
personal simile? 

The Reader. 

. . . Quite so. Suppose we consider the 
Globe as an Apartment House. 

We are told it was finished in six days. No 
wonder it is faultily constructed. 

The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The 
apartments nearest to the Radiator are insuf- 
ferably hot, those farthest away unbearably 
cold, and those between too changeable for 
comfort. 

The Water Supply is unreliable. In some 
[52] 



THE HABITABLE GLOBE 

apartments, great numbers perish every year 
from thirst. 

In the cellar there is a munition factory 
where, in defiance of regulations, there are 
stored High Explosives. These blow up from 
time to time, causing great damage and loss 
of life among the tenants. 

The janitor is a disobliging old person who 
has been there since the house was started and 
holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. 
When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, 
when people want him most to stay, nothing 
can stop him. 

His name is Tempus. 



[531 



CHAPTER XIV 



THE TENANTS 




THE first tenants (as before stated) were 
a young couple who had been com- 
pelled to leave a more luxurious apartment 
because children were not allowed, though 
animals of all kinds, even snakes, 
were tolerated. 

On the whole, the Globe is 
anything but a model Apartment 
House. Each family considers 
itself the only respectable one in 
the building and they are con- 
stantly squabbling for the posses- 
sion of the most desirable rooms. 

The tenants of the different stories, origin- 
ally of one colour, have been tanned according 
to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They 
come in fivG shades of fast colours — Black, 
Brown, Yellow, Red and White, — the White 
being farthest away from the Stove. 
[54] 



Post-Impression 
1ST Savage 



THE TENANTS 

There are also some brighter colours, which 
are not guaranteed, — varying from the chro- 
matic discord of the post-impressionist Savage 
to the delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady. 

This last is the most delectable of all — but, 
alas, it is the one that fades most quickly. 




Perfect Lady 



[55] 



CHAPTER XV 



RACE 



ALL the Families agree that the tenants of 
the Globe should be of one uniform 
shade. 

Each Family, however, thinks that his own 

particular shade is the 
only fitting one for the 
Perfect Human Being. 

To that end he spends a 
large part of his time in 
scheming how to get rid 
of all the other tints. 

All of which is a great 
waste of centuries! Old 
Tempus the Janitor has al- 
ways settled the Tint question with his Solar 
Stove and always will. 

A week at the seashore in August ought to 
convince anyone of the efficiency of the Solar 
Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather 




Mill-Race 



RACE 



\s locked up the secret of Race Colouration. 

And yet there are some Great and Wise 
Ones who believe that Civilization (with the 
assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. 
Royce and a few others) 
will bring the Race Fami- 
lies into such close rela- 
tionship that they will 
eventually be all blended 
into one harmonious Neu- 
tral Tint! 

A pale mauve World! One tint, one relig- 
ion, one food, one dress, one Drink, one every- 
thing. 

How appalling! And think of the moment 
when it is to be decided once and forever 
which it is to be — Blonde or Brunette! 

Oh those Wise and Great Ones! 




Black-Race 




[57] 



CHAPTER XVI 

GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE 

THE best definition of Government may 
be found in Wordsworth's lines: 

^^The simple plan 
That they should take who have the power 
And they should keep who can!' 

In every community on Earth, the strongest, 
the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male in- 
habitants conspire to compel their weaker, 
stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay 
them for the privilege of remaining on earth. 

Government by the Strongest is called an 
Absolute Monarchy. 

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited 
Monarchy. 

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic. 

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are 
Controlled. 
[58] 



GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE 

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled. 

In a Republic, they are Sold. 

For the successful operation of Limited 
Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to 
delude the Common People into the belief 
that they are managing their own affairs. 




This is accomplished by means of a House 
of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, 
Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc. 

These merry contrivances are designed on 
the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, 
furnishing harmless exercise without progres- 
sion. 

[59] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

QUESTIONS 

Q, What is a Constitution? 

A, A concession to Liberty enabling her to 

talk herself to death. 
Q. What is the essential difference between 

one government and another? 
A. The price of life. 



[60] 



CHAPTER XVII 

THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE 

ACCORDING to Moses, the First Geog- 
rapher, Immorality is an heirloom 
handed down to us by our First Parents. 

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare 
it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction 
of climatic environment on the celliferous 
organism. 

In other words, Vice is nothing more than 
Virtue outside of its natural geographical 
latitude. 

This is clearly set forth in the accompany- 
ing Moral Map of the World in which the 
familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we 
are wont to dififerentiate as Virtues or Vices 
are shown for the first time in their proper 
geographical environment. 

{See Moral Map of the World.) 



[6i] 



PART II 
THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH 

The Countries of the Earth may be divided 
into two Groups, the English speaking coun- 
tries and the Foreign Countries. 

The English Speaking Countries which 
comprise the United States and the British 
Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface 
of the Globe. 

The rest are just Foreign Countries. 



CHAPTER XVIII 

THE POLES 

THE Earth has three kinds of Poles, the 
Frigid Poles in the North and South 
and the very hot Poles in the centre of Eu- 
rope. 

This chapter is about the North Pole. 

The North Pole is the Geographical inter- 
rogation point of the Earth. 

It is probably the only absolutely moral 
spot in the World. 

Scientists declare it to be the site of the 
Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the 
popular notion that Eden was the original 
Roof Garden. 

The only language that has ever been 
spoken at the North Pole is English. 

The language that Lieutenant Peary used 
when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook 
on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was 
English, and the language of the next discov- 

[6S] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 



erer, when he finds (or does not find) the 
footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably 
be English too. 

Whatever use may be ultimately found for 























THE A 
OR TH 


Map of 
RCTIC 
E WHIT 


OCEAN 
E SEA 





the North Pole, up to the present time it has 
only been used for advertising purposes. 

The frozen tracts that surround it bear the 
names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, 
and the very topmost tip, out of compliment 
to a well-known pianist and politician, has 
been called the Magnetic Pole. 
[66] 



THE POLES 

So far as we know, all the disadvantages of 
the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, 




The Magnetic Pole 



but for some reason the South Pole has never 
been so successful as an advertising medium. 



[67] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 




A Perfect Day in New York 



[68] 



AMERICA 




A Perfect Day in Philadelphia 



[69] 



CHAPTER XIX 



AMERICA 




LET US see America first. 
On a modern map of the Western 
Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the 
Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral 
of a Dry Dock. 

One wonders how it escaped being discov- 
ered so long! 

But when you look at this map of the West- 
ern Hemisphere as it appeared about a thou- 
sand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered 
New England, you will understand that dis- 
[70] 



AMERICA 

covering America in those days was no child^s 
play. 

Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not 
think much of his find. 

How could a lowbrowed viking be expected 
to understand Boston, much less what was go- 
ing to be Boston in a thousand years! 




Early Map of the Western Hemisphere 

After writing his Impressions of America 
in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock. Lief 
pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Nor- 
way. 

No one could decipher the Runes, but 
everybody suspected what they meant. 

And Lief was justly punished for his rude- 
ness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the 
Fenway of Boston to this day. 

[71] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

America was not discovered again for near- 
ly five hundred years. 

Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, 
but though he made four trips to the New 
World, Columbus carelessly neglected to 
write a book or even a magazine article on his 
Impressions of America. 



/^ 


C^" 


.// 










<». J^ 


-I??'''^^^ ^^ 


v^\^' * 




^^^^ if \\ 


\ O^^^L 


c-^ 


y \(tv 


\ >v!:;:^v.^^^ 


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*** il 1^ 


N^ /v"^ 


-J_ 


_^^ V \ 


N^-^ /\ 


^ 


x:^ \ L\ 


mIv 


1 ^ 1 


\ 


*^' o c 


V 'P^ 


i ^ 


\ /— > J L^ 


kJ'o 


V 


W?^ 


^\7 


\ 


Y \ 


\ 


\ 


\ ^ 



A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or 
Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and 
seven years later an Italian plagiarist named 
Amerigo discovered America all over again 
and copyrighted the whole continent in his 
own name. 

By this time, as the accompanying map will 
show, the continent of America had gained 
considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark 
[72] 



AMERICA 

to the horde of discoverers \Yho came in the 
wake of Amerigo. 

And still they come — and though it is too 
late to secure a copyright on the continent they" 
never fail to copyright their impressions of 
America, 



[73] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 




The Mayflower 



[74] 



CHAPTER XX 



BOSTON 




BOSTON 



IN spite of many laudable attempts, Amer- 
ica was never seriously discovered until 
the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in 
Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston 
Terriers, Beans and Ancestors. 

Thus were established the three leading in- 
dustries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of 
genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees 
(Human and canine). 

[75] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely 
surrounded by Newtons. 

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe. 




A Perfect Day in Boston 



The great poet Anonymous has immortal- 
ized Boston as 



The home of the Bean and the Cod 
Where Lowells speak only to Cabots 
And Cabots speak only to God.'' 
[76] 



BOSTON 

Some say the lines were not written by 
Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, 
but what does a poet's name matter except to 
his creditors? 

Boston is famous for its historic associations 
and landmarks which well repay a visit. 

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that 
convey the traveller thither are relics of a by- 
gone day and a joy to the heart of the anti- 
quarian. 



[77] 



CHAPTER XXI 

THE UNITED STATES 

THE United States is a large body of 
laughter-loving people completely sur- 
rounded by Trusts. 

It is the richest country in the world. No- 
where is food so plentiful, nowhere are the 
Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious. 

When the American Hens die 
they go to join their unhatched 
children in a cold-storage Heaven 
where they live forever. 

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, 
if there is room for them; if not they are 
turned into fertilizer to keep them from scal- 
ing down the market price. 

To add to the merriment of the People, the 
Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an 
amendment to the Constitution and Holy 
Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing 
Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation. 
At their bidding, thousands of acres of 
[78] 




THE UNITED STATES 

deadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, 
if these great and good men fulfil their prom- 




A Pilgrim Landing 

ise, ere long the nation will be saved also from 
the ravages of the vicious Tobac * 

* We fail to see what this has 
to do with Geography. 

The Reader. 

Well, to return to the United States. The 
United States is a large dry country bounded 
on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on 

[79] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

the south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East 
and West by Salt Water. The Population 




The Original Straphangers 



consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, 
some of whom are Americans. 

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously 
prodigal, they nevertheless 
show signs of reverting to 
the condition of the Arbo- 
real Anthropoids. 

A race of Straphangers is 
developing. At certain hours 
of the day, they may be seen 
seeking their habitations in great flocks, swing- 
ing from strap to strap with loud cries and a 
peculiar whirling motion. 

The Original inhabitants were Red In- 
dians; these were supplanted by Pale Pil- 
grims, who first settled the country and then 
settled the Indians. 
[80] 




THE UNITED STATES 

The Indian practice of painting and wear- 
ing feathers shocked the 
Pilgrim Fathers and Pil- 
grim Mothers, but the Pil- 
grim Daughters made a note 
of the fashions for future ^i 
use. 

The climate of the United 
States is bracing and stimu- 
lating; travellers have even been known to 
compare the air to champagne but, though 
highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxi- 
cating. 





^•■vaiT>a:A:iyrVi 



Prohibition Chemists after a careful analy- 
sis having discovered no perceptible trace of 
Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided 
that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no 
way restricted. 

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means 
of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there a 

[8i] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 



more impressive example of American invent- 
ive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen 
from New York Harbour, day and night, 
year in, year out, scraping away the germ- 
laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright 
and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky. 
Another object of interest in 
the harbour is the statue of a 
once popular favourite. 

People who remember her, 
say it is far from a flattering 
likeness. 

The Capitol of the United 
States is Washington — named 
after a famous Britisher who 
won American Independence from George 
the HI, the fat German King of unsound 
mind, then holding down the English Throne. 
New York is the tallest and the noisiest city 
in the world. It contains over Five million 
people speaking a Babel of twenty different 
languages besides English. 

The inhabitants of America are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 




[82] 



THE UNITED STATES 




UNCLE SAM'S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART 



1 Thirst 

2 Self-effacement 

3 Calculation 

4 Providence, 

5 Love of the Almighty ($) 

6 Justice 

7 Somnolence 

8 Love of Peaches 

9 Pride of Race 
10 Nicotianity 

ir Love of Camp-meetings 

12 Fruitfulness 

13 Coonfulness 

14 Colour 

15 Levity 

16 Illicit Spirituality 

17 Love of Travel 

18 Size 

19 Bashfulness 

20 Scribosity 

21 Armorousness 

22 Horse Sense 



2Z 

24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 
31 
32 
33 
34 
35 
36 
17 
38 
39 
40 

41 
42 
43 



Aquasity 

Prairifulness 

Plainness 

Incredulity 

Animosity 

Nebraskability 

Love of Freedom 

Modesty 

Oregonality 

Furbearance 

Argentility 

Pique 

Breadth 

Presence of Mine 

Gamefulness 

Conjugality 

Cowboyishness 

Sheepishness 

Reserve 

Reciprocity 



[83] 



CHAPTER XXII 



CANADA 



CANADA, with the exception of Mexico, 
is the only part of North America not 
ruled by the Irish. 

In former days it was a 
popular Health Resort for 
frenizied financiers who 
wished to retire from private 
life. 

It is now a still more pop- 
ular resort for Americans 
suffering from thirst. 

Though next door neigh- 
bours and rivals in business 
and, what is still more try- 
ing, near relatives, Canada 
and the United States are the 
best of friends. 

For over a hundred years 
there has not been so much as a picket-fence 
or a policeman, much less a patrol or a forti- 
[84] 




"The apparel oft 
proclaims the man." 
— Hamlet. 



CANADA 

fication, on the border line between the two 
countries. 

Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, 
^^severed home ties" ; she is perfectly happy 
under the parental roof, earns her own living, 
has a latch key and stays out as late as she 
pleases and has never been able to understand 
"why girls leave home." 

Though differing in many respects, the 
United States and Canada have so much in 
common and are so nearly of the same age and 
size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, 
the two might easily pass for a "sister turn." 

The inhabitants of Canada are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 




tssl 



CHAPTER XXIII 



GREAT BRITAIN 



IF you look carefully under the upper left 
hand corner of the map of Europe, you 
will find a small pink island no bigger than 
the state of Idaho. 

But a Country must not 
be judged by its size. 

The Planet Jupiter is 
twelve times as large as 
this Giddy Globe of ours, 
and has eight private 
moons of its own, but for 
all that Jupiter is not a de- 
sirable spot for Lovers, being for the most 
part molten, and somewhat spotty. 

This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the 
little mother of one-fourth of all the countries 
of the Globe, including the United States. 

The English People, or (if one must be ac- 
curate) the British, are the most to and fro- 
[86] 




The Planet Jupiter 
(from a photograph) 



GREAT BRITAIN 




FrO)n pucit.1 by Jaims Munlyonui y l-liu/ii. 

The English-Speaking Union 



[87] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

ward people in the world; like the bear in the 
fable when they are tired of going to and fro 
they reverse the process and go fro and to. 

With Bibles and Bathtubs 
And Ballots and Beer 
And Hope and Hygienics 
They girdle the Sphere. 

In every quarter of the globe they have 
planted seeds of self-government which today 
are blossoming into an English-Speaking 
Union under the British and American Flags 

that embrace one-fourth* 
of the surface of the earth. 
The climate of England 
is temperate. Its air is not, 
like that of the United 
States, compared to cham- 
pagne. 

London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; 
this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers. 

London is also the centre of that vicious 
heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectabil- 
ity. 

For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the 
Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda 
Pesth and other capitals, which in return take 
[88] 



iTRENGTHOF 
, 6)8RALTAR 



GREAT BRITAIN 

their degrees of longitude from London (or 
Greenwich). 

This picture shows the famous Rock of 
Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of 
British respectability {Honi soit qui mal y 
pense) done into English. 

The principal products of Great Britain are 
Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers. 

The inhabitants of England are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, 
and their army is second to none in bravery 
and won the World War. 




[89] 



CHAPTER XXIV 



SCOTLAND 



A 



MOUNTAINOUS, peaty region in 
the northern part of Great Britain. 
The Dew distilled from the Scotch moun- 
tains, flavoured with the 
peat of the valleys is high- 
ly prized by the natives, not 
only of Scotland but of all 
the English speaking coun- 
tries of this Giddy Globe. 

The inhabitants are a 
tall, barb-wiry, music-lov- 
ing, pious and joke-fearing 
race, fond of loud plaids 
and still Lauder songs. 

Their tall spare frames 
have given rise to the term 
Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, 
supposed by some to be de- 
rived from ^'Bonnet," the 




"The apparel oft pro- 
claims the man." — 
Hamlet. 



national headgear. 
[90] 



SCOTLAND 

The principal products of Scotland are 
Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs. 

The inhabitants of Scotland are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, 
and their army is second to none in bravery 
and won the World War. 




[91] 



CHAPTER XXV 



IRELAND 




"The apparel oft proclaims the man." — Hamlet. 




I 



RELANDisthelandof 
■^^ the Irish Bull, a par- 
adoxical Bovine whose 
cross-eyed; horns can toss a 
British commonplace in 
two directions at once. 

The population of Ire- 
land consists chiefly of Ab- 
sentee landlords and Emi- 
grants to the United States. 
They are ruled by two 
Absentee governments, a Parliament at West- 
minster and an Itinerant President. 
[92] 



IRELAND 




Scene in Irish House of Parliament 



[93] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

The country is infested with Absentee 
Snakes. It is believed that the Serpent who 
tempted Eve (from the 'Vay he had with the 
women") was one of these Absentee snakes. 

Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited 
Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes 
the inhabitants as, ^^more savage than the Brit- 
ons, feeding on human flesh and enormous 
eaters, deeming it commendable to devour 
their deceased fathers/^ 

Strabo evidently attended a wake and mis- 
calculated the strength of the national bev- 
erage. 

The principal products of Ireland are Po- 
tatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,* Poteen and Ber- 
nard Shaw. 

The inhabitants of Ireland are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, 
and their army is second to none in bravery 
and won the World War. 

* The term Patriot is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a 
patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime. 



[94] 



IRELAND 




The Giddy Globe Consoling Ireland 



[95] 



CHAPTER XXVI 




See the Welsh Rabbit — he is bred on cheese; 
{Or cheese on bread, whichever way you 

please). 
Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd 

think 
That a strong man from this small beast would 

shrink? 

Carolyn W ells, 

WALES is the home of the Welsh bards 
so called because the language in 
which they are written, which resembles a 
mixture of Chech, Chinese, Celtic and Chock- 

[96] 



WALES 

taw, is barred from the concert and operatic 
stage. 

The most famous products of Wales are the 
Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of Wales and Lloyd 
George. 

The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish 
and prolific as his namesake of Australia, has 
spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a 
potent factor in keeping the world awake. 

Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was 
born in a political chafing dish and has been 
an even more powerful factor in keeping the 
world awake. 

Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless 
him) will follow in the footsteps of this illus- 
trious pair and live to keep the world awake 
long after this Geography has gone into its 
hundred thousandth edition! 

The Prince has been immortalised in the 
following lines: 

^'Hurray!" cried the Kitten, 
''HurrayT 
As he merrily set the sails, 
*^I sail o'er the ocean 
today, today. 
To look at the Prince of Wales!'' 

[97] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

^Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink! 
And think of the angry gales!" 
'Ah, yes," cried the Kitten, ^'but think! 
Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!" 

^But, Kitten," I cried, dismayed, 
^If you live through the angry gales 
You know you will be afraid 
To look at the Prince of Wales!" 

Said the Kitten, ^'No such thing! 
Why should he make me wince? 
If a Cat may look at a King, 
A Kitten may look at a Prince!" 



[98] 



PART III 
FOREIGN COUNTRIES 



CHAPTER XXVII 



SOUTH AMERICA 



FROM the beginning of time up to the 
present century, the continents of North 
and South America were joined together in 
terrestrial bonds of matrimony. 




South American Wild Horse 
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) 

They were seemingly inseparable. 

The first indication that everything was not 
as it should be with this long united couple, 
was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman 
named De Lesseps (who had already succeed- 

[lOl] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

ed in divorcing Asia and Africa) attempted 
to bring about a separation. 

The attempt, however, was a failure, and, 
after dragging on for eight years, proceed- 
ings were dropped for want of funds. 

Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, 
desiring to remove all obstacles to a much de- 
sired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, 
started a new action for divorce on the same 
grounds as that of De Lesseps, and in August, 
1902, the divorce of North and South America 
and the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific 
Oceans were simultaneously celebrated. 

The Northern and Southern continents are 
now better friends than ever and the Atlantic 
Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the 
back door to spend an evening with the 
Pacific. 



[102] 



CHAPTER XXVIII 



HOLLAND 




THE Dutch are the cleanest people in the 
world. So deep-seated is Dutch clean- 
liness that Godliness (in the next seat) must 
get up and cling to a strap. 

In Holland they run cleanliness into the 
ground, the heads of the cabbages are in- 
spected every day and the ears of the corn 
and the necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly 
every Saturday night. 

[103] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch 
housewife but the clouds are kept busy posing 
for the landscape painters. 

Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; 
wind mills are posted ever3rwhere and not a 
breath of air can stir without performing 
some useful task. 

And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has 
always boasted of its freedom, is locked up in 
Dykes and forced to do the work of highways 
and railroads. 

The capital of Holland is the Hague, and 
here was held the first Peace Conference (in 
1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Pluto- 
crats to discuss the Economics of War. 

Firstly, to make rules by which war may be 
conducted with the least possible damage to 
Vested Interests. 

Secondly, to reduce the cost of war by the 
use of methods which, while putting a soldier 
out of action, will not injure him beyond the 
possibility of repair for use in another War. 

Today the Peace Palace is to let and 
Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is dead, but 
another Conference (called by Woodrow 
Wilson) is to be held in Geneva which, Peter 
Simple hopes, will abolish War forever. 
[104] 



HOLLAND 

The inhabitants of Holland are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 



[105] 



CHAPTER XXIX 

BELGIUM 

BELGIUM may be compared to a Hollan- 
daise Sauce with a piquant Gallic 
flavour. 

Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to 
France, and King Albert of Belgium is the 
modern Horatius who 

'^ , . . facing fearful odds, 
For the ashes of his fathers 
And the temples of his Gods/^ 

kept ''the bridge" in the brave days of 1914. 

Crowns are not as fashionable today as they 
were in 1914, but the Crown of King Albert 
is of the sort that will never be out of style, 
and besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly 
becoming to him. 

When Julius Caesar described the Bel- 
gians as the ''Bravest of all the Gauls" he was 
a Prophet as well as a Historian. 
[106] 



BELGIUM 

The inhabitants of Belgium are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
if they hadn't ''kept the bridge" the World 
War could never have been won. 



[107] 



FRANCE 




A Perfect Day in Paris 



[io8] 



CHAPTER XXX 



FRANCE 




"The apparel oft proclaims the man."— Hamlet. 



"C^RANCE is the greatest Millinery Power 
A on earth. The capital of France is Paris. 
Paris, though inhabited largely by Ameri- 
cans and English, is famous for its gaiety. 
The principal products of Paris are Plaster 

[109] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

[ 
fois gras.* 



of Paris, Paris Green, Parasols and Pate de 



* Alliteration is the thief of ac- 
curacy ! Pate de fois gras is 
the product of Strasburg. 

The Reader. 

The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, 
as everyone knows, is France, and Strasburg, 
thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and 
Co., is now French. 

Paris is divided into two parts — 

I. Paris Proper. 

Famous for The Eiffel tower, a skyscraper 
that contains no offices and the Magasin de 
Louvre which is visited by thousands of 
Americans daily. 

There is also another Louvre containing 
some pictures (hand painted) and statues. 

II. Paris Improper. 



(See Appendix.) 

The inhabitants of France are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 
[no] 



CHAPTER XXXI 



GERMANY 




THIS SPACE TO LET 

While Repairs are being made, 
in the temporary absence of 
Messrs. Hohenzollern & Co., 
the Show Window of this estab- 
lishment may be rented for the 
display of Bolshevism, Anar- 
chism, Socialism, or any other 
popular Ism that may apply. 



"The apparel oft 
proclaims the man." 
— Hamlet. 



[MI] 



CHAPTER XXXII 

SWITZERLAND 

SWITZERLAND is famous for its Con- 
densed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, 
and Heroes. 
The Swiss are an Artless people. 
^What more worthy people! Whose every 
Alpine gap yawns with tradition, and is 
stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and 
scornful one (Art) will none of it, and the 
sons of patriots are left with the clock that 
turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with 
difficulty restrained in its box." 

Whistler. 

The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 



[112I 



CHAPTER XXXIII 

MONACO 




MONACO is the centre of the spinning 
industry of the world. 
Over a million and a quarter people go to 
Monte Carlo every year to spin. 

The inhabitants of Monaco are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 



[113] 



CHAPTER XXXIV 

TURKEY 




WHEN what was once a Turkey comes 
before us on a platter (like this) shorn 
of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offer- 
ing to Appetite, fresh from the burning, no 
one questions what will be the ^' . . . last 
scene of all. That ends this strange eventful 
history J' 

All he wants to know is whether he will get 
the particular slice he has mentally reserved 
for himself. 

Just so that other Turkey that sits on the 
fence between Europe and Asia and gobbles 
defiance at an avenging world. 
[114] 



TURKEY 

The avenging Powers sit round as they have 
sat round before, waiting each one for the slice 
he has mentally reserved for himself. But 
there won't be any slices! 

You may burn, you may shatter 

The Turk if you will. 
He will rise from, his ashes 

And roost with you still. 

He is the modern incarnation of the inde- 
structible Phoenix Bird. 

Nevertheless we must give the Devil his 
due; the Turks are a fearless people; they 
have many wives. 

The inhabitants of Turkey are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
they won the World War. 



[115] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 




A Perfect Day in Petrograd 



[ii6] 



CHAPTER XXXV 

RUSSIA 

RUSSIA comprises one-sixth of the land- 
scape and snowscape of the Globe. For- 
merly the property of a Czar named Nicho- 
las, it is now owned by a Superczar named 
Lenine. 

The principal objects of interest are Sam- 
ovars, Soviets, Sables, and the Steppes. 

The Steppes of Russia, though vast and 
quite bare, have nothing to do with those of 
the Russian Dancers. 

At the present stage of Russian Affairs they 
may better be compared to the well-known 
Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only 
— and easy at that! 

Today almost the only articles of Russian 
Manufacture are Natural Ice and Press Dis- 
patches. 

Of manufacture of the latter, as regards 

[117] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

volume at least, there has never been such an 
enorm * 

* Why go on about Russia? 

The Reader. 

Quite right! Russia is too large for such a 
little Geography as this. 



























THE 


Map of 
BLACK 


SEA 











We will leave Russia as quickly as possible. 
Watch your Steppe! 



[ii8] 



CHAPTER XXXVI 

NORWAY AND SWEDEN 

IT is all very sad about Norway and 
Sweden! A handsomer country couple — 
or couple of countries — it would be hard to 
meet anywhere, and so propinquous! Have 
they not been next-door neighbours from the 
infancy of the world? 

And everybody knows what Propinquity 
does. 

It is Cupid's middle name; what more nat- 
ural than that they should get married? 

Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened 
so quickly, they were married in Vienna in 
1 8 15, and — well, you know Propinquity is the 
Devil's middle name, too — they were divorced 
in 1905 after a brief married life of only 
ninety years! 

What could have been the trouble? 

Some say the food, others attribute it to the 
Domestic Drama. Perhaps it was both. Here 
is a typical Scandinavian Menu — 

[119] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

Pjkled Ojsters 
Bjsque of Snajls 
Frjed Fjsh 
Natjve Wjne 
Qujnce Jce-cream 
Onjons and Bjsqujts 



It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play 
the average theatre-goer; it has what the 
age theatre-goer calls ^^atmosphere." 



with 
aver- 







I once drew Ibsen, looking bored 
Across a deep Norwegian Fjord, 
And very nearly everyone 
Mistook him for the Midnight Sun. 

[120] 



NORWAY AND SWEDEN 

Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or 
stodgy, as distinguished from the stagey, 
Drama. 

James Huneker, the eminent Lexicog- 
rapher, as a compliment to that great and hir- 
sutiferous playwright, has re-christened Nor- 
way 'The Land of the Midnight Whiskers." 

The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are 
the most Moral and Patriotic People in the 
World^ and they won the World War. 



[121] 



CHAPTER XXXVII 



AFRICA 




"The apparel oft proclaims the man." — Hamlet. 



AFRICA is the richest ''jack-pot" in the 
game of territorial ''freeze-out" played 
by the European Powers. The stakes repre- 
sent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber and slaves, 
though the latter are nominally outside the 
limit. 

[122] 



AFRICA 



The game began nearly three centuries ago 
and now in the early morning of the twentieth 
century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) 




An Elephant 
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) 

it is Still in progress, though Germany, who 
staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out. 




A Lion 
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) 

The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 
B. C.) describes Africa as "the fruitful nurse 
of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and 

[123] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 



6ii 




Children, behold the Chimpanzee/ 
He sits on the ancestral tree 
From which we sprang in ages gone, 
Vm glad we sprang — had we held on 
We might, for all that I can say. 
Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day. 



[124] 



AFRICA 

similar animals; of lions also and panthers." 
He does not mention the Chimpanzees, who 
are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal 
inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, 
abstemious without being bigoted, and pa- 
triotic to a high degree, very few surviving 
transportation from their native jungle. 

The inhabitants of Africa are the most 
Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their 
army is second to none in bravery and won the 
World War. 



[m] 



CHAPTER XXXVIII 



ARABIA 




A Camel 
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) 

ARABIA is the home of the Camel and 
the Bedouin. 



''The Camel may be likened to 
A desert ship. (This is not new.) 
He is a most ungainly craft, 
With frowning turrets fore and aft 
We little realize on earth, 
How much we owe to his great girth, 
[126G 



ARABIA 

For should he ever shrink so small 
As through the needle's eye to crawl, 
Rich men might climb the golden stairs 
And so leave nothing to their heirs." 

The Camel is called the ship of the desert 
because its gait is said to resemble the motion 
of a ship. 

To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times 




A Bedouin 




A Folding-Bedouin" 



worse than a ship, but not quite so bad as a 
motor bus. 

The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or 
bed-rock, avoiding river-beds or water in any 
form. 

He must not be confounded with the Fold- 
ing-Bedouins of North America. 

The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic 

[127] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

tribe, supposed by some to be related to the 
Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bo- 
hemia. 

The inhabitants of Arabia are the most 
Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their 
army is second to none in bravery and won the 
World War. 



[128] 



CHAPTER XXXIX 



AUSTRALIA 



ANYONE desiring a change from the 
wearisome rotation of our seasons, 
should go to Australia, where Spring com- 
mences on September the twenty-third, Sum- 
mer on December the twenty-second, Autumn 



c^J^^^' * »^'\i£> 




on March the twenty-first and Winter on June 
the twenty-first. 

The Fauna of Australia, as if determined 
not to be outdone in eccentricity by the Sea- 
sons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus 
Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described 
in the following lines 

[129] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

My child, the Duck-billed Platypus 

A sad example sets for us. 

From him we learn how indecision 

Of character provokes derision. 

This vacillating beast, you see, 

Could not decide which he would be — 

Fish, flesh or fowl — and chose all three. 

The scientists were sorely vexed, 

To classify him so perplexed 

Their brains that they with rage at bay 

Called him a horrid name one day, 

A name that baffles, frights and shocks us^ 

Ornithorynchus Paradoxus. 

The inhabitants of Australia are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 




[130] 



CHAPTER XL 

CHINA 




CHINA is known as the Flowery King- 
dom. It is the most exclusive flower- 
garden in the world, and is surrounded by a 
high wall. 

The only Flower that succeeds in climbing 
the high wall is the little flower of Pekoe and 
her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise 
to cheer without inebriating the dull people 
of the outside world. 

The country of China, too, may be likened 
to a Flower; her treasure is the envy of the 
world, and flower-like she must remain rooted 

[131] 



THIS GIDDY GLOBE 

to the ground while the Busy Bees from other 
lands relieve her of everything she possesses. 

Everyone agrees that China should have an 
Open Door, but the Busy Bee Nations want a 
Door that opens only inwards, while the 
Flower Nation wants a door that opens only 
outwards. 

At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, 
Peter Simple suggested a Revolving Door as 
a compromise. 

A commission was at once appointed by 
President Chu Chin Chow to report on Re- 
volving Doors. 

The matter is still being revolved. It may 
end in a Revolution. 

The inhabitants of China are the most 
Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and 
their army is second to none in bravery and 
won the World War. 



[132] 



CHAPTER XLI 



Japan 






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Translation 

The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic 
people in the World, and their army is second to none in 
bravery and won the World War. 

[133] 



CHAPTER XLII 

EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC. 




NO work on Geography could be called 
complete without a description of these 
six (counting, etc.) countries. 

If the Reader should ask me how I came to 
leave six such important countries to the last 
page, I should be compelled to change the sub- 
ject. 

Writing a little Geography Book is like 
packing a very small bag for a journey round 
the world, only instead of cramming it with 
shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs 
and brushes, you stuff it full of countries, and 
when you try to close it (as with the bag) you 
[134] 



EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE 

always find that you have left out at least sev- 
eral of the most important things. 

No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the 
lid) will make room for six such big coun- 
tries in a little book that is already as full as 
it can be. 

The only thing to do is to take out all the 
countries and lay them in a row and see which 
you can get along best without; you can't pos- 
sibly spare any of the large countries; the 
question is how many of the little countries 
together would * 

* You are digressing again, 
worse than ever! This thing 
has got to stop! 

The Reader. 

Oh, very well ! If that's the way the Reader 
feels about it it shall stop right here. 




THE END 



[135] 



EPILOGUE 

If this little world to-night 

Suddenly should fall thro' space 
In a hissing, headlong flight 

Shrivelling from off its face, 
As it falls into the sun, 

In an instant every trace 
Of the little crawling things — 

Ants, philosophers, and lice. 
Cattle, cockroaches, and kings. 

Beggars, millionaires, and mice, 
Men and maggots all as one 

As it falls into the sun — 
Who can say but at the same 

Instant from some planet far 
A child may watch us and exclaim 

^^See the pretty shooting star!'' 



[136] 



APPENDIX 
See next page^ 



[137] 



THE APPENDIX 

has been removed. 



[138] 




"^Oliveryierford, inv. 




KarlCMoseley,de 



